Power Unfathomed

lordaven @ 2005-12-13T01:47:00

2005-12-13T07:47:36Z

Got in another wreck today, kthxbye :|

lordaven @ 2005-10-31T15:41:00

2005-10-31T21:57:36Z

Okay, yeah, it's been a while, I'm sorry, damn it, so stop flaming me.

I've moved twice since that last major post, Tony and Tara got married and ran away somewhere, Barnes is...hell, I don't know.

I left Valhalla and tried helping my mother out, big fucking mistake. She spent all of her and my money on...whatever the hell she's on these days, I didn't bother finding out this time. Then the hurricanes flushed all the New Orleans trash up to my town and the economy took a plunge into...well, what's below non-existant? Forget it. -.-

Suffice it to say I was on the edge of my sanity, when my uncle offered me a way out, which I gratefully took.

So now I'm in Mary Esther, Florida with my uncle's family. ^_^

I have to admit, I thought it was going to be more of the same crap as I had to put up with in LA, but I was so wrong.

I've got DSL, for one thing. ^_^

And there's so many interesting people here. Just the other night I met this cutie named Mandy, she's a jewel, I tell you. ;D
Her friends, Chris, and myself had quite a lot of fun that night, imagine trying to find someone that likes anime in fucking Columbia, it's not going to happen, yet it happened in just a few days here! :D

Things are looking up now, I hope I can get in touch with them and maybe find something exciting to do again soon. :)

Oh, and one of those guys looks just like Fuji, if you can imagine an American Fuji, fucking unbelievable, likes Warhammer and everything.

Civilization rocks. ;D

lordaven @ 2005-08-27T14:05:00

2005-08-27T19:28:39Z

Oh, yes... My cell is 1-318-805-4827, I've somehow managed to forget to tell people I have one. Try to keep calls in the after-hours, unless there's some sort of dire international emergency that only I can save humanity from, you know the drill.

And Zivilyn...I know you're still out there...

lordaven @ 2005-08-23T04:18:00

2005-08-23T09:43:56Z

I haven't forgotten you, I hope you know.
There's not a day that passes that I don't fondly recall the sight of your smile.
You asked me on many occasions why I loved you...and each time I gave you some silly, light-hearted response.
For, how could I know what made me love you? Surrounded by all the aspects of your beauty, your accomplishments, holding you in my arms, or even being held in your's...how could I have chosen just one?
Well, if you still want an answer straight from my heart...
Simply your smile.
There was never any pain I felt that could survive being graced by your smile.
Even now, despite my tears, I smile, for even the memory has it's power.

lordaven @ 2005-04-12T20:37:00

2005-04-13T01:37:04Z

To believe time heals all wounds is to place worth in a terrible falsehood.
Some wounds are a continuous process unto themselves.
Such is the void I feel now.
Time has taken the details of you from my memories.
I am left only with the knowledge of their absence.
To know a fine painting not by the knowledge of its splendor, but by the loss of the joy associated therein.
To know with all certainty that some beautiful, fine detail is missing.
No clearer, more acute pain exists.

To stumble through darkness for months on end, palms pouring crimson.
Is such not a tragic way to finally understand the oft neglected beauty of sunlight?
To be willing to trade your soul, your every remaining breath for one last glimpse of true light, if only a candle in a sea of eternal night I find myself unable to escape from...
Can another ever fully understand the pain of seeing their every hope and dream for a meaningful future broken apart, scattered to the winds as flotsam wreckage after a storm?
To have found oneself in an utopia, and then by one's own actions send it into ruin.

From such, can there ever be a true healing?
Or must one spend the remainder of their days scraping for some purpose, some last shred of palpable joy amidst a society devoid of compassion towards such a plight?
If so, what is the worth of such a life?

To see how far one has fallen by comparing their once bright future to the dismal ashes in which they now struggle, is there even a possibility of finding reason?

Or does one continue existing only as punishment for their deeds?
To serve as a continual reminder of their failure, of their fall from grace to a position just shy of sight of some truth, some lasting, meaningful end?

The terrible blackened hope that maybe the next day, over the next obstacle, possibly even as close as through the next door what was lost would finally be found.
That final piece to a once treasured and beloved part of one's life will be returned and all will be, not as it once was, but whole regardless, and perhaps even better, now that appreciation of this particular piece has truly, finally been achieved.

Or maybe I'm just a damned fool.

lordaven @ 2005-04-02T16:10:00

2005-04-02T22:10:12Z

Farewell, Pope John. You were a worthy adversary.

lordaven @ 2005-03-24T04:39:00

2005-03-24T10:39:36Z

I am awaiting the sunrise
Gazing modestly through the coldest morning
Once it came you lied
Embracing us over autumn's proud treetops

I stand motionless
In a parade of falling rain
You voice I cannot hear
As I am falling again

Devotion eludes
And in sadness I lumber
In my own ashes I am standing without a soul
She wept and whispered: "I know..."

We walked into the night
Am I to bid you farewell?

Why can't you see that I try
When every tear I shed
Is for you?

To Bid You Farewell - Opeth

lordaven @ 2005-03-14T14:40:00

2005-03-14T20:40:24Z

lordaven @ 2005-03-13T13:19:00

2005-03-13T19:18:58Z

A lock of her hair,
Given when our love was young,
Ever at my side.
Raven-haired goddess,
Do I mourn alone?

lordaven @ 2005-03-02T03:36:00

2005-03-02T09:36:08Z

Those of you who keep up with my schedule of being online will have probably noticed I've not been around in the afternoons as much.

This is because for the past few days, I've been traveling to Monroe every day to go to Suncoast with the intention of talking to their new employee, a cheerful young lass by the name of Shasta.

She's recently moved here from Oklahoma, and I was hoping to befriend her, possibly even date her, once I had learned some more about her...

But, alas, tonight my hopes came crashing down around me.

I met her last Friday, I believe it was.
Barnes had wanted to go into Suncoast to see if Sarah ( a very pretty girl, I'll admit ) was working.
It's a certain cruel irony that it was I that came face-to-face with this girl that was definately NOT this Sarah, as one could immediately tell from the various piercings and dark very-much-not-Sarah's-blonde-as-sunlight hair.

If you were to ask me why I liked her so much, I honestly couldn't answer. Regardless, though, when she came by me and asked if I needed any help, I was awe-struck by something about her. I was quite literally without words for a good couple seconds there. Thankfully, I did recover, and we held a wonderfully fulfilling conversation amidst the action and drama media aisles that surrounded us.

Of course, she was only working part-time, so I had no idea when I'd see her again, and the fool that I am, I completely forgot to ask her for her number or leave my number with her.

So, the only course of action to ensure I met her again as soon as possible, travel the 40-something miles to Monroe every day since with the hopes that she'd be working that day and I could speak to her...

Finally, four-ish days pass until today is reached.

I walk in, pleased to no end that she's there. Barnes and I speak with the senior employee-type girl, Melissa I believe was her name, working at the registers because Shasta's off vacuuming, as it is nearly closing-time. Shasta finishes and comes to talk to myself and Barnes (as he also has been coming with me in the hopes of seeing Sarah, as he's very much wishing to ask for her phone number as well or somesuch.). After talking for a bit, some gothy-type kid walks in and Shasta goes to talk to him for a bit and he soons walks off. By the nature of our timing, they're closing about now, so Barnes and I make for the door, hoping to catch Shasta in a not-busy state later as she's leaving the store. We wait out in the cold maybe 15 minutes before we're both shaking too much to be able to keep a conversation, so we go to get in the car.

Barnes has already gotten in, when Shasta finally makes it outside, but just as I've gotten up the nerve to go talk to her, she's made her way toward a car, which I had assumed to be hers, but to my painful realization, she's gone for the passenger side door, and in the brightness of the internal lights, I see the little guy I saw her talk to so briefly in the store earlier.

And so, having driven an estimated 350 miles over the course of 4 days, standing there in the freezing wind, extremities numb, lungs burning, and heart broken, I find the artist finished the painting before I even had the idea of trying to include myself therein.

I feel so terribly empty these days. There's this void within me that by some tragic chance simply cannot be filled by any means I can imagine.

lordaven @ 2005-03-02T02:29:00

2005-03-02T08:30:06Z

Ra-zor sharp, I cut
The bull from my life.
Too blunt your knife,
To slay this dreamer...

We might be dogs astray.
No running line will hold us,
So rather kick and kill me,
I'll be butchered all the same...

No words are spoken;
But the world is broken...

'Cause I want something,
Something all wrong done,
A life instead of mere living.
Folding, crumbling, withering...oh hell.
What difference when working the way?

The crown of my work
Is what I shall gain...
At the end of my days...

Daylight awake to a puppet world,
No strings attach to this body of mine...
Folding, crumbling, withering...oh well.
The punished pushed along the line,
All my actions, all my moves...
A life all mine to lose...

The crown of my work,
A life all mine to lose.
The crown of my work,
A life all mine...
Is what I choose,
At the end of my days.
At the end of my days.
At the end of my days...

The Gathering - A Life All Mine

lordaven @ 2005-02-08T08:57:00

2005-02-08T14:57:40Z

The ill-lit figures the gray room holds,
Lying, Kneeling, Standing.
Tears fall to the floor before the second,
Placing a pale hand on her shoulder,
My dear, why fret?
Says the third,
Endings come to all, you see.
Lifted, crimson-rimmed are her eyes
Why must it hurt so?
The old man from his bed smiles,
What is life if not pain?
My deeds remember
For come the end,
Is this not all we ever had?
With a flicker of candlelight,
The kneeling girl finds herself alone in the room.

lordaven @ 2005-02-03T03:05:00

2005-02-03T09:05:48Z

It occured to me while watching Troy tonight that I have an odd personality..

Real men wear skirts and have long hair...or no hair.

I now feel very manly.

Comments? ;D

lordaven @ 2005-01-30T03:29:00

2005-01-30T09:29:07Z

Morning's dew upon the grass,
Where is the soul's delight now?
Burning away under sun's stare.

lordaven @ 2005-01-28T01:59:00

2005-01-28T07:59:52Z

So one of me contacts posted this interesting idea:
Browse my list of interests and ask about something that's unclear or perhaps interesting.
So, if you've got a few minutes to post a comment, ask what the hell it means, await response.

It might be fun or something ;P

lordaven @ 2005-01-21T15:57:00

2005-01-21T21:57:08Z

When all the world has left to offer is sorrow,
Does one decide their venture is complete?
Does the soul continue until finally the body is exhausted utterly?
Or has the end been reached already,
And I only need step from the cliff...

lordaven @ 2005-01-20T10:10:00

2005-01-20T16:10:32Z

You scored as Wrath.

</td>

Wrath

94%

Lust

63%

Envy

63%

Sloth

56%

Greed

31%

Pride

19%

Gluttony

19%

Seven deadly sins
created with QuizFarm.com

lordaven @ 2005-01-18T14:09:00

2005-01-18T20:09:44Z

Not too long ago, maybe a month at the longest, one of my friends remarked on my purchases at a bookstore... Something to the effect of "Wow, you're always buying books on philisophy, where I spend my money on fantasy novels, I wish I could bring myself do something productive like you do." It's been a while, so it's not verbatim, but her point is clearly evident.

What bothers me about this is that she is so much happier with her choices than I am with mine.

But not just her, but all of my friends, it's not that their choices reflect some inferiority to me, only that I am more introspective...

And yet, from her words, one could expect that my mentality should be somehow better than other's.

If my choices were better or at least as good, why is that I am constantly discontented with them? Why is it that spending my time in thought only makes me feel worse?

Why does simply thinking make me unhappy?

Really, that's what it's like. I don't wake up in a bad mood, it's only after I've spent enough time awake to start thinking that I become so terribly depressed.

So many different attempts and methods of being not-depressed have failed... Relationships are built only to crumble apart around me, half-completed projects lie scattered about my feet, and somehow I've only fallen farther.

I was fine throughout most of school, content simply waking and spending my time in class. As near as I can tell, my problems arose near the middle of my junior year in high school, I had just finished reading the old forgotten copies of The Lord of the Rings that I had somehow found in the back of my school's library. I suppose Tolkien's clever depiction of cultures that he had either invented or modified from existing cultures led me to learn more about other cultures myself.

Somehow from there I find myself neck-deep in philosophy, Fight Club, and anger at the entire world.

My entire personality has shifted along with everything else. No longer am I the straight-A student of parental bragging, Hell, I can't even manage to keep my grades high enough to keep myself in college. No longer can I pretend to see myself as some wizened sage, offering advice when asked and spending my time in quiet contemplation... Rather, I've become some hateful warmonger, devoid of the qualities I once professed a concrete grasp of.

According to Wikipedia, there are seven integral virtues of Bushido:
Gi - Rectitude
Yu - Courage
Jin - Benevolence
Rei - Respect
Makoto - Honesty
Meiyo - Honor
Chugi - Loyalty

Where are these virtues in my life?

I understand, an ideal is set for people to work toward, there was likely very few followers of Bushido in the history of the world that could even come close to claiming to truly possessing these virtues, but surely even the lowest, poorest samurai could honestly claim to be respectful, loyal, honest, SOMETHING.

What do I have?

A living contradiction to my own beliefs.

All alone now
Except for the memories
Of what we had and what we knew
Everytime I try to leave it behind me
I see something that reminds me of you
Every night the dreams return to haunt me
Your rosary wrapped around your throat
I lie awake and sweat, afraid to fall asleep
I see your face looking back at me

And I raise my head and stare
Into the eyes of a stranger
I’ve always known that the mirror never lies
People always turn away
From the eyes of a stranger
Afraid to know what
Lies behind the stare

Is this all that’s left
Of my life before me
Straight jacket memories, sedative highs
No happy ending like they’ve always promised
There’s got to be something left for me
And I raise my head and stare
Into the eyes of a stranger
I’ve always known that the mirror never lies
People always turn away
From the eyes of a stranger
Afraid to know what
Lies behind the stare [lies behind my stare]

How many times must I live this tragedy
How many more lies will they tell me
All I want is the same as everyone
Why am I here, and for how long

And I raise my head and stare
Into the eyes of a stranger
I’ve always known that the mirror never lies
People always turn away
From the eyes of a stranger
Afraid to know what
Lies behind the stare

- Queensrÿche

lordaven @ 2005-01-16T01:01:00

2005-01-16T07:01:37Z

You scored as Lawful Evil. A Lawful Evil person is someone who respects laws, customs, or traditions, but will try to bend them to suit their own needs. These people have little concern for others they hurt, being intrinsically self motivated. Despite this, they value order and obedience to authority.

</td>

Neutral Evil

80%

Lawful Evil

80%

True Neutral

75%

Chaotic Evil

70%

Lawful Neutral

50%

Chaotic Neutral

50%

Chaotic Good

40%

Lawful Good

35%

Neutral Good

30%

What is your Alignment?
created with QuizFarm.com

mhm, well, evil is a perspective thing anyway.

You scored as Hardcore. Hardcore.

</td>

Classic Rock.

79%

Hardcore

79%

Britpop

67%

Industrial

63%

Indie

54%

Indie Rock

54%

Punk and Pop Punk.

46%

Country

42%

Hip Hop and Rap

38%

Ska

25%

Emo & More

25%

Mainstream

21%

Music Recommendation
created with QuizFarm.com

Well, I guess that's close enough.

*goes back to crucifying emos*

lordaven @ 2004-12-31T03:59:00

2004-12-31T09:59:20Z

My everburning love,
When last held, a bright dream come to life.
Now a cold winter besets me.
Without you, what can ever bring joy?
Now drown I in ruddy sorrow,
By my own hand unleashed.

lordaven @ 2004-11-26T15:27:00

2004-11-26T21:27:03Z


blood is love
brought to you by the isLove Generator

Never understood these things, but I do like those colors. ;X

lordaven @ 2004-11-14T03:30:00

2004-11-14T09:30:25Z

Hmm...

For the past few nights I've been hearing what I can only describe as 'masculine snoring' from my mother's room.

I, of course, pay it no mind, as I know she's an adult and can, for the most part, look after her own concerns.

But, there's been an unusual amount of Miller Lite in my refrigerator, something that the infamous Billy Hogg is known to drink, excessively, might I add.

Of course, there are many people who drink it, so I disregard this as coincedence.

However, I was informed that my mother was seen with Mr. Hogg today, which leads me to believe she may have once again brought into my house the plague of Hogg.

Oh, yeah, and this morning Billy's mother called at like, 7am, which unless she's senile as all fucking hell, shouldn't have happened.

So...we shall see if things get more exciting soon.

I've kinda missed the guy, in the sense that I've had no clearly-defined antagonist in my life.

Maybe this'll help alleviate some tension by allowing me to vent it.

Vent it through a barrel INTO HIS FUCKING FACE, THAT IS.

lordaven @ 2004-11-11T05:20:00

2004-11-11T11:20:37Z

[05:17] [Aven] I've been playing Fable...
[05:17] [Aven] And...I had a really weird experience after playing it.
[05:17] [joshpine] o.O
[05:17] [Aven] I looked at myself in the mirror, and...
[05:18] [Aven] I was surprised to see myself.
[05:18] * joshpine squints.
[05:18] [Aven] I mean, like, honestly I don't know who I expected to see, but...I don't know, it was weird.
[05:18] [joshpine] XD

Yeah, Fable's an awesome game, but.............you know.

lordaven @ 2004-11-02T19:21:00

2004-11-03T01:21:20Z

1. Bahá'í Faith (100%)
2. Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons) (100%)
3. Mainline to Conservative Christian/Protestant (100%)
4. Jehovah's Witness (94%)
5. Hinduism (92%)
6. Christian Science (Church of Christ, Scientist) (88%)
7. Neo-Pagan (87%)
8. Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestants (84%)
9. Jainism (81%)
10. Eastern Orthodox (80%)
11. Islam (80%)
12. Orthodox Judaism (80%)
13. Roman Catholic (80%)
14. Mahayana Buddhism (74%)
15. Unitarian Universalism (65%)
16. New Thought (60%)
17. Nontheist (60%)
18. Theravada Buddhism (58%)
19. Liberal Quakers (57%)
20. Secular Humanism (51%)
21. Reform Judaism (45%)
22. Scientology (45%)
23. Sikhism (45%)
24. Seventh Day Adventist (42%)
25. New Age (31%)
26. Orthodox Quaker (28%)
27. Taoism (27%)

Okay, I know for damn sure I'm not Baha'i, and last time I checked, I wasn't Mormon......

Screw this, I'm worshipping Odin.

lordaven @ 2004-11-02T02:48:00

2004-11-02T08:48:38Z

Fight the fight alone
When the world is full of victims
Dims a fading light
In our souls

Leave the peace alone
Now we all are slowly changing
Dims a fading light
In our souls

In my opinion seeing is to know
The things we hold
Are always first to go
And who's to say
We won't end up alone

On broken wings I'm falling
And it won't be long
The skin on me is burning
By the fires of the sun
On skinned knees
I'm bleeding
And it won't be long
I've got to find that meaning
And I'll search for so long

Cry ourselves to sleep
We will sleep alone forever
Will you lay me down
In the same place with all I love

Mend the broken homes
Care for them, they are our brothers
Save the fading light in our souls

In my opinion seeing is to know
What you give
Will always carry you
And who's to say
We won't survive it too

On broken wings I'm falling
And it won't be long
The skin on me is burning
By the fires of the sun
On skinned knees
I'm bleeding
And it won't be long
I've got to find that meaning
And I'll search for so long

Set a-free all
Relying on their will
To make me all that I am
And all that I'll be

Set a-free all
Will fall between the cracks
With memories of all that I am
And I'll that I'll be

On broken wings I'm falling
And it won't be long
The skin on me is burning
By the fires of the sun
On skinned knees
I'm bleeding
And it won't be long
I've got to find that meaning
And I'll search for so long...